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The Instant Mama

All Things Motherly

10 Things You Need to Know When Dating A Divorced Dad

Let me start off by saying that I am not an expert in this topic. I have dated one divorced dad (my husband) but I do feel like I’ve had the opportunity to learn from my own mistakes and gained a lot of insight in the process.

  1. You Will Not Come First – At least not all the time. You are starting a relationship with a man who will love his kids more than he cares about you. This is not a negative thing. It is amazing to see a man who really loves his kids and know that he might be able to feel similarly about you some day. Plus, why would you want to date a dad who didn’t care about his kids?
  2. Don’t Step On Toes (or try not to) – I really, really had to learn this one the hard way. I never had ill intentions or wanted to shove my nose in places it didn’t belong, but some times it just never occurred to me that it wasn’t appropriate for me to be a part of certain things. I think everyone’s initial reaction when you are told that you can’t be a part of something is that it hurts and you feel unimportant. When you can gain the perspective that just because you aren’t there for a special moment doesn’t mean that you are not important (and believe me you will get to be there for other special moments without even meaning to!) it will take you a long way. It is always better to ask if you can be a part of something then to apologize later because dad or mom missed out on something they felt was reserved for them.
  3. Don’t Sweat the Small Stuff – I think this could apply to any relationship, but especially when you are dating a divorced dad. PICK YOUR BATTLES. Divorced dads naturally have their guard up in a new relationship. If you are making a big deal about things that he doesn’t feel are a big deal, you will find yourself on the curb pretty quickly.
  4. Give Him Space – This may depend on how long he has been divorced, but if the wounds are still fresh he is going to need extra time to process his feelings for you. And expect him to always be “behind” in the relationship. If you’re ready to say “I love you” he’s probably not even thought that phrase in his head yet.
  5. LISTEN – I spent a lot of time listening the first couple years of my relationship. By closing my own mouth and really hearing the words he spoke, I was able to know what he needed from me as a partner.
  6. Be Your Own Person – I think women especially can fall prey to this in a divorced dad relationship. You all of the sudden are in a relationship where you are not only needed by your partner, but by his children as well. It is easy to get into the habit of spending time at his house, cooking dinner, wiping noses and butts, and just doing “mom” things. Don’t forget #4 – if he thinks things are moving too fast then you may find yourself on the outside just as quickly.
  7. Acknowledge Your Feelings – You will come across a lot of new territory, good and bad. You will feel love, happiness, resentment, sadness, frustration, and a whole slew of other emotions. It is okay to tell your boyfriend how you feel in any of those situations – just remember #3 and choose your words carefully.
  8. Have Patience – My mom used to tease me about not having this gift as a child. I have said to friends and family that God made me a stepmom to learn patience. There will be plenty of times where you feel like it’s just too hard, but if you take a deep breath and give yourself time to reflect, you will have newfound perspective and remember how much you love that man and his family.
  9. Be Flexible – The very first real dinner date that my husband and I went on was with the boys. We had a night scheduled for just the two of us and things didn’t go as planned, so I just shrugged my shoulders and said, “Let’s bring them with us.” I love that memory.
  10. It Will Not Be Easy – but it will be SOOOOO worth it! I really feel that a divorced dad brings such an unique perspective to a relationship (and marriage). I can’t imagine my life ending up any other way 🙂

Check List for First Time Homebuyer! 

I know, I know. I said my blog would be all about being a mom, but I AM a Realtor also! I wouldn’t be true to myself and my writing if I didn’t write about my career too😊 

I am at the age right now where a lot of my friends or acquaintances are thinking of purchasing their first home. The market is HOT here (seller’s market) so it really is best to have your ducks in a row before ever stepping foot in a home. 

First Time Homebuyer Prep Checklist

1. Contact a qualified loan officer – they are going to be able to tell you if you can buy, how much home you can buy, and how much money you need to buy a home

2. Have funds available for a down payment and/or potential closing costs – most first time homebuyers can qualify for specific loans (FHA or USDA) where you need little to no money down, but you still need money for closing costs! Don’t expect to need 20% of the purchase price to be able to buy, but in a seller’s market you will still need to bring money to the table at the end. (I.e. If you are wanting to buy a $150k house expect to save about $7500 or 5% of the total purchase price.) I always throw the highest estimate in there, so keep that in mind.

3. Pay down debt – you can potentially buy more home and get a better interest rate if you lower your debt to income ratio.

4. Don’t be a job hopper! – most loan officers will tell you that you must be at the same job (or same job field) for a minimum of two years. Banks see you as a lower risk if you show job consistency and will be more willing to loan you money! 

5. Call ME! – but really, if you know you can buy and have the money, let’s go look at all the houses your little heart desires 😉 In all seriousness though, I will talk real estate with anyone who will listen so if you want to call me before steps 1-4 I can answer all of your questions. 

Happy house hunting! 🏡

Limiting Screen Time for Kids

I have two very different kiddos in my house. The oldest could really care less about computer games, TV, and video games. The youngest would spend HOURS in front of the TV or computer if given the chance. He asks almost every day if he can play the Playstation or watch Netflix, and can be pretty persistent on getting screen time. I’m not really sure what makes the two boys so different in their electronic desires, but because of E’s want for screen time, we make an effort to limit how much time is spent in front of the TV.

Since I grew up in a household with monitored electronic time, I already had an idea in my head about what possible guidelines to set. My parents monitored my computer time, specifically chatting on AIM (OMG, I’m so old!) and limited my brothers’ time on the Nintendo. We got an hour of screen time every day as a kid, which J and I agreed upon when we discussed the boys’ options a few years ago.

At first, my reasoning for wanting to put a limit on it was so that the boys (ahem, E) wouldn’t ask me every hour of the day if they could play on the Playstation. But overtime, I think we’ve come to the realization that limiting their screen time allows for them to use their imagination, burn energy off outside, and spend family time together playing games, crafts, or reading. It was a pretty big battle a couple years ago to get them to turn off the video games when their hour was up, but since we stayed consistent there is little to no argument when we say their time is up for the day.

There are definitely days where they get to do a little extra, but those are pretty few and far between and usually in the winter where play is limited to the house. I’m not sure if my parents got the idea to limit screen time from a book or research article, but I’ve since found articles where doctors and the AAP specifically recommend less than two hours of screen time for kids. If you are looking for a little evidence to back up your reasoning for your family, here is a great article from CNN:

New screen time rules for kids

The Magnolia Story

J bought me a new book for Christmas and I read it during our plane rides a couple weeks ago. All of the gifts he got me this year were awesome, but this one has to be my favorite. He always thinks he’s a terrible gift giver, but when he gets me things like this I know he really loves me because he put thought into what I like ♥ I am somewhat of a #FixerUpper junkie and ended up modeling a lot of our home renovations after Joanna Gaines’ inspiration. I’ve always cherished things with a history and background story, so her design choices really speak to me.

What I didn’t realize when I started reading this book was how incredibly inspirational it would be! I am already reading it again for the second time! Although they talk about Magnolia Homes and how they started their business, I have found the way they speak of their relationship with each other, family, and friends to be very moving.

If you are looking for a new book to read I highly recommend this one. It’s an easy read and totally relatable, even if you’ve never watched Fixer Upper on HGTV.

If you have read the book, I would LOVE to hear your thoughts on it. The great thing about books is every person walks away with a different perspective 🙂

**Disclaimer – The picture above is my own copy of the book. I have no affiliation with HGTV, Fixer Upper, or The Magnolia Story.

Stepmom Resources

Being a stepmom has been one of the most rewarding and challenging roles I’ve ever chosen to take on in my life. The rewards far outweigh the tough times, but nevertheless there has been a lot of unchartered territory that I didn’t always feel well equipped to tackle.

This really started when my husband and I were dating. I vividly remember calling my mom, crying about something that happened the day before and her response was, “I’m not really sure what to say. There is no handbook out there for your situation.”

Her response really got me thinking about my options in my role as the girlfriend of a divorced dad and my future role as a stepmom. Luckily, I had the idea to Google it (Google solves everything these days, ha!)

I found websites and books that speak directly to stepmoms and how to tackle common problems as a part of a second family. I know that there is a woman out there right now, crying to her mom about how she knew what she was getting into but she just didn’t realize how hard it would be some times. Girl, this list is for you!

 

Stepmom Websites

  1. StepMom Magazine – I follow them on Facebook and Instagram. Even if you don’t subscribe to their magazine, it is comforting to know there are women out there struggling with similar situations when you read their posts on social media.
  2. Stepmother Support – This website is great for comradery too but also offers professional support if you need it.
  3. The Evil Stepmother Speaks – This lady writes a hilarious blog centered around her role as a stepmom. Again, I’ve found that knowing others are facing similar struggles goes a long way in coping.
  4. National Stepfamily Resource Center – Seriously, when I started my journey five years ago I had no idea that there were national organizations out there for stepfamilies. Please know that there are resources to help you have a successful second family!!

The link below is something I just found today and I’m definitely going to be utilizing it in the future. I don’t feel overwhelmed right now, but new unchartered situations come up all the time. I know this book list will come in handy soon enough!

6 Must Read Books for Overwhelmed Stepmoms

Stay-At-Home Working Mom

In August 2015 I made the choice to begin my real estate career full-time. This meant that I would quit my 8-5 job in property management and work from home, my car, the real estate office…pretty much wherever I wanted. It was a big leap of faith, not only for myself, but for my husband too. And I’m pretty sure he had more faith in me than I did myself at the time 😆

We made some adjustments financially – the biggest one being that our boys wouldn’t be in before or after school care anymore. It was costing $125 a week and I was more than capable of taking them to and from school.  The other was staying home with them during the summer instead of paying for daycare. This past summer was amazingly fun and I was actually sad when they went back to school.

I became an instant stay-at-home working mom! I don’t even know if that is really a thing, but that is how I label myself now. Some of my roles changed immediately while others were more gradual.

Before I quit my job, J and I had divided up the weekly chores since neither one of us had the time to complete them all. One of his conditions for letting me take this chance was that all of the household duties would fall on me. I thought it was pretty reasonable considering I was home all day. Most weeks that’s still the case, but he is still very helpful if I need it. So I took over all of the weekly cleaning, grocery shopping, laundry (very reluctantly, ha!) and helping the boys with school related things.

Here is what a typical day for me looks like:

  • Wake up at 6:00 AM to make J’s lunch
  • Eat breakfast
  • Get the boys ready for school (dressed, breakfast, teeth brushing, etc.) by 8:00 AM
  • Drop boys off at school by 8:15
  • Check work e-mail for any important tasks for the day
  • Laundry (we do laundry in our house EVERY day)
  • Pick up house (all of the males in my house are really good about leaving things lying around)
  • Get ready for the day if I have scheduled appointments
  • Run any errands that are needed
  • Meal prep for dinner
  • Pick up boys at 3:45 PM
  • Help boys with homework and spelling
  • Make dinner (this has become one of my favorite things!)

As you can see, most of my days don’t really consist of a lot of work. And honestly that is because of my chosen profession. It’s fairly sporadic and almost always immediate. Things in real estate don’t just wait, especially in today’s market, so I may be working for an hour at 8:00 PM one night and 2:00 PM the next day. It makes it perfect that I get to be wherever I want when those times roll around.

I do have a few other weekly things that I keep on my schedule – mostly for my own sanity.

  1. Monday – clean the house (vacuum, dust, bathrooms, etc.)
  2. Tuesday & Thursday – visit office in the morning
  3. Sunday – grocery shopping

Having these few items on my calendar every week helps me keep my sanity when things are unpredictable and will be a huge blessing when Baby S is here in a few months.

Whenever I am intentionally doing things to grow my business it looks a whole lot like this picture below. I do a lot of mailers and Internet marketing to keep my business going, but my favorite job in the whole world is just getting to be a mom and wife for my family 😊

#FamilyVacation

The hubby and I are taking our boys on their very first plane ride tomorrow! It’s nerve racking and exciting all at the same time. This will only be J’s third plane ride EVER, whereas I’ve been on a plane at least once a year since I was born. However this will be my first plane trip with young children in tow, so I’ve been mentally and emotionally preparing myself for any potential hiccups along the way.

I decided when we planned this trip to start thinking of ways to make the trip as smooth as flying in December can go (ha, I always seem to get delayed or stuck somewhere in the winter!)

Here is my checklist of kid-friendly items that you’re able to travel with (Our boys are 8 and 6 so we are bringing age appropriate items):

  1. Portable DVD players (one for each kid, because who wants to hear arguing over movie choices during a 2.5 hour plane ride, haha!)
  2. A plethora of DVD movie choices
  3. Headphones
  4. Chargers
  5. Age appropriate books (2-3 each)
  6. SNACKS!! I say this because I know that airport food costs and arm and a leg. TSA will allow you to bring packaged foods such as chips, cookies, etc.
  7. Stuffed animal (my boys are partial to their stuffed animals and will want to sleep with them)
  8. UNO cards – you really could choose any game that is easy to pack but I’ve always brought UNO on any trip we take. It’s a great game for whenever you have down time and need to entertain the little people.

I am letting each kid bring their own backpack with their respected items in tow. J and I are sitting in two rows, one of us with each kid so sharing everything in one carry on isn’t realistic.

Wish me good luck with our trip! Not only will this be a first time experience for me, but our boys will get to check off a lot of firsts on this vacation too! 🙂

Introduction

I’ve been thinking of starting a blog for a few years now, but could never find what I wanted to write about. As I am a Realtor and self-employed entrepreneur I kept circling back to writing what I know best about: my job! But as I sat on this idea for the last year it seemed less important to write about what I know and instead write about what I’m learning in life, which brings me to the title of my blog.

In the last two years I bought a house with my significant other, quit my 8-5 job, got married, got pregnant, and became a mother INSTANTLY to my two step children. I have done my best to embrace every new role with my whole heart, especially the mothering aspect of things. Instead of getting to learn things along the way (as you would with an infant) I’m jumping in with both feet to be the best mom and parent that I can for these two boys. It has definitely been a learning curve for myself, my husband, and the boys, but we are loving every minute of it. And especially now that I’m pregnant and due with my first baby in April, I feel like I already have a leg up on this whole parenting thing (just one of the many added bonuses to being a step mom!)

I plan on blogging about mom advice, step mom advice, homemaker tips and just about anything motherly.

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